serendipity of chaos

oh i get it

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I’ve gotta let him go…

So I’ve decided since it’s a new year I’m gonna take my blog in a new direction and do it every day. Or at least try. So i’ll start with waking up at 3 and realizing Jordan had asked if I was home and he really wanted to come stay the night, I’m not gonna lie it pretty much made my day. Then I saw that Aaron (the newest boy toy) had asked me to wake him up at 6 am; pretty please! So I got up at 20-6 and text Aaron and then got in the shower and while I was in the shower 6 rolled around so I called him, still in the shower mind you, woke him up and again my day was made :) I got outta the shower, put my lotion on, brushed my teeth and got dressed. Ate breakfast, and dried my hair then I called Jordan to wake him up since he hadn’t replied to my text, yes I’m contributing but it’s sweet. He knows I still care (unfortunately), straightened my hair and went to work. Work was work was work. While at work Aimee and I got in an argument over the freakin thermostat because I’m not going to freeze when I’m in my own home. I decided I’m moving out, forget her. So I called Billy at Stoneleigh and asked about rates and talked to Lor and she wants me to get it with Jesse so he can move his stuff, and If that doesn’t work out then I might have Danielle move in with me. And I decided to take the move and let this
Mom know that I would love to be her live in nanny given the opportunity. I talked to Aaron, and after sayin he wanted to kiss me last night and wondering why i wasn’t there with him last night, decided that we’re gonna spend tonight together. Then I text Andy because I really wanted to see him last night but then I fell asleep and ruined all my plans ha! And he said we could talk and hang out so I’m really looking forward to that, Andy’s really quite a guy and I’m glad I let him know how I felt all those months ago. We got it out of the way and now we can just be friends who screw around a little bit. Now I’m lying in bed waiting for one of four guys to text me and make me feel like I’m special. Story of a girl’s life…I’ve gotta let em go.

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"this day did not start well"

Have you ever read a story about someone so amazing, so honest, so respected, with so much integrity and so much promise that you wish you had known them? I mean besides the typical “role models”, I mean real people. I never had until this day, see on Monday night a young man by the name of Justin Tyler Berry (24) was driving home from somewhere but he was hit head on by another driver who swerved into his lane. Now, I never met the guy, but I went to school with or worked with 49 people who knew him all too well and loved him beyond words, everyone who knew him loved him this way. He was just one of those people who lit up a room when he walked in, he could cheer you up on the worst day, he always had a good story or a joke to crack, Justin had a beautiful smile and an even more attractive personality. He was more than a friend he was your big brother, your mentor, your guardian angel and your best, best friend. His character shows in the people he was friends with and his heart shows in the kind words people spoke about him and wrote about him all over his fb wall in the days after his passing. So many people hurting, so many tears and hours of texts and conversations read and reread just in hopes of capturing one last smile, one last moment with his beautiful soul. All these kind words and all these broken hearts makes you wonder why God would do this, cause this pain to so many people, but we all know it’s because God had his story written before Justin was born; God had a divine plan and something so amazing will come out of his passing that none of us ever could have imagined. Justin’s purpose has been served on this earth, in this place and time, he accomplished all that God intended him to. He touched all the lives he needed to and in his place a seed was planted in I’m sure more than one heart to be a better person, to be the kind of person Justin was. Yes, I wish I had known him and had a memory to share or a story to tell, but at the same time I’m glad I didn’t, I’m glad he has touched my life of course, but I’m glad I don’t have to know the real pain of losing someone so wonderful, someone so amazing, someone so real that I would be completely devastated, as I was with the passing of a very dear friend just four short years ago. On the day of his death his very last status said simply: “this day did not start well” his step mother later said that it was because he had locked his keys in his truck and had to run to school to take his final. There was a local youth minister who wrote about this asking if maybe he had known that were his last day would he have let that get to him? Would he have started the day over and let it begin better, would he make it a good day, maybe even his best? These questions of course can not be answered but it’s always something to remember, there was a quote I once read that reads: “what have you done today that will make you proud tomorrow?” think about it every day and if you only do one thing good every day then I’d sat it’s a fulfilled life, like that of Justin’s. Rest In Peace Justin Tyler Berry and thank you for touching my life, planting a seed with your inspiring character to make me become a better person. I owe you more than you’ll ever know.

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God gave me you…

So I’m lying here in bed (unfortunately alone) after this wonderful Thanksgiving weekend and I can’t help but think of even more things I’m thankful for. I’ve got so much to be thankful for; my friends, my two homes, a place to rest my head, more food than I’ll ever be able to eat, heat and blankets, television, couches…absolutely pointless things ya know? Things we take for granted and don’t even consider as part of the luxury of being among the world’s richest even though we all feel so poor, sad that we consider not having brand new vehicles and boats and other materialistic things being poor. How terrible are we that objects are all that matter anymore. I saw yesterday one of the greatest quotes I’ve ever seen/heard: “there are some people who are so poor, all they have is money.” and that is the God awful truth, there are people so lacking in passion, love, heart, ambition, and knowledge that all they have is money to throw at things that are worthless. Tonight I’m thankful for the amazing coworkers I have who have blessed me with much knowledge and push me to become more. I’m thankful for the amazing boyfriend I have who is the most supportive man in my life next only to my miraculous uncle, I’m thankful for friends who have shaped who I am today, for the ability to read, write, and articulate thoughts. I’m thankful for my ability to worship my almighty God in the manner of my choosing, the ability to make an informed decision and to vote and make a difference in the life of others. I’m thankful for every talent the good Lord has blessed me with. And I could go on all night but my eyes can’t keep up with my hands so I’ll stop but I’m so thankful to be truly blessed with so many talents and gifts and abilities…and so glad that God gave me such a supportive boyfriend, for all the ups and downs.

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Never gonna happen

Ok I’m sure that anyone who reads this thinks I fall head over heels in love with every guy I meet. It’s called devotion and that’s what I do, I devote myself fully and completely to any guy willing to get my attention. I do it out of faith in mankind which we all know is a terrible thing. I love all people and when a guy tells me I’m beautiful I want to give him a part of me because it takes a lot to see that and acknowledge it. Yes i’m a sad and broken little girl but aren’t we all a little broken sometimes? We all need love and that’s all I want is to find someone who loves me for me and takes the time to show it, makes the effort to grow it, and wants the whole world to know it. Why do girls put so much focus on love? Why is there no life without love? Why don’t guys put any focus on it? Why can’t we all accept that love is life, it’s the air we breathe, the music we sing, and the warmth we feel toward one another. Love is the most powerful force of all and without it the world may actually physically stop spinning. I love far too much for my own health and I let myself be treated like I’m not enough for anyone but especially him, because he took the time to pick my sad, pathetic lifeless body, up off the cold and wet floor of sadness, and breathe new life into me and call it a “relationship”. I’m better and stronger than that and I refuse to be treated any less than equal and I’m tired of giving my all to receive nothing in return. So from now on if you can’t give me your all before you take anything from me…it’s never gonna happen

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you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone…

i’m sitting in my room at my place by myself (because it’s the only way i can actually get my homework done) and Jerod Neiman’s song “What do you want” comes on…the lyrics hit me like a freight train. i hear his name and i go right back there: wondering who he’d be today, who i’d be, where we’d be. would we still be in that two bedroom rundown house? would we be homeowners happy with a baby on the way? would we be that couple everyone emulates but only because they have no clue what goes on behind closed doors? would i be staying up late at night because i hated the way i cringed when he’d touch me? would i be in school? would i have a job even? would i be on a one way train to becoming my mother? would i have a better relationship with her? would i ever have met my baby brother? so many thoughts run through my head and then i remember the man who drives me crazy with every word that comes out of his mouth, the man who falls asleep on the couch because he can’t stand to go to bed before midnight. the man who asks so much from me yet doesn’t ask a thing at all, the man who sees my dream and can support it. i see the man i think of every night before sleep and the first one i think of when i wake up. he’s the man who never does anything for me but does anything i ask of him and so much more because he’s thinking of me when he makes any decision regarding his future. the man who dreams of me having his kids, cooking his meals, and managing his finances. the man who depends on me for comfort and criticism. i guess i just can’t look at the past anymore and must look to my own future no matter who it’s with or who’s in it. what do you want, what do you want from me?

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Could it be…21!

So it’s just one short hour and eleven minutes before I’m technically 21 and what am I doing? I’m lying in bed at my boyfriend and possibly “the one“‘s house, alone, listening to the dryer relentlessly tumbling his roommate and girlfriend’s clothes, watching Limitless with the amazingly handsome and talented Bradley Cooper. I’ve been counting down to this day since I was old enough to understand the gravity of the situation, yet here I am alone, with my hair down, wearing sweats and a retainer watching a movie in an empty house. As I realize that i’m extremely lame, I realize something more…something that just can’t be put into words. I realize that just two weeks ago I was lying in bed with my boyfriend discussing how we would make our lives work were we expecting our first child/set of children. How did I get to this point in my life? How did I meet this guy who has become the center of my whole world and is the epitome of my happiness each and every day of my life; but also makes me want to kill him with every fifth word that comes out of his mouth which averages out to be about every 4th minute of the day…even though he works 24 hours straight meaning I don’t hear from him for sometimes 16 hours in a day…you do the math ;) how had I made it 9 weeks into my second semester of college not fully reading a single chapter? How had I married a man and promised him forever, as well as the whole world, and so much more; then turned around and broke his heart because I was young enough to rewrite the story?? How had I gone from a stockpile of dreams, debt, promises and heartache to a completely different pile of dreams including children and a life of stress, living comfortably with the vehicle I want and a residence I only enter three times a week out of want, not need, a promising future and a smile on my face each morning and night?? How had I made it this far in my life with the people I had In my life? How had I come from such a poisonous dead end of a small town to a bright future promising success even if it means just being a stay at home mother with a home daycare? How did I come to the moment where even though I refuse to tell him I love him I know he’s got to be the only one for me because I don’t need him but I want him? I want to have his children, I want his last name, and I want to open his mail; I want to worry when he goes on a fire call, I want to support him in his decisions, I want to be the one to tell him he’s wrong when he refuses to admit it, I want to be the one holding his hand at the end of his life, looking back on all we had done with what we were given by the good lord. Yeah I’m only 21 tell me somethin I don’t know.

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i’m doin just fine i’m always landin on my feet in the nic of time and by the skin of my teeth

so this whole week has been one crazy day after another, i moved all of my personal belongings, and a few things i should’ve left there; to a space that’s much smaller, but much more comfy and stress free, with two people who could truly be my grandparents haha. anyway i used to live in a third story apartment and well i have a walking boot on bc i got myself into a compound stress fracture from running a few months ago and belive me i’m counting down the days until i get the freakin thing off but that’s beside the point. i have all these “great” friends and yet i had to move every single item i own by myself bc no one would help me. i’m pmsing so it really pissed me off but once no one volunteered to help i said screw them i’m an independent woman and idc if i have a boot on and it’s 105 degrees outside with a heat index of 12 and i live on the third floor i’m gonna do this all by myself and i did and i’m very proud of myself for doing so! then came monday, my short day at work then i went to NWACC to get my financial aid info and do a couple other things, with an early night. nothing really remarkable happened monday i guess. next is tuesday and i really can’t even remember it for some reason. but wednesday is just one of those days where you can tell yourself something is off with you first thing in the morning but of course can’t figure out exactly what that thing is. i get to work and find out rather than being right on time like i thought i was 15 minutes late. fantastic. then just some more work drama blah blah blah and all day i kept getting this voice in my head tellin me i’d need my contacts bc i’d need to drive in the dark and i’m night blind so that could be catastrophic ha well i go to dinner with Jess as always on Wed, we eat with Heather and her kids at Johnny Carinos. while we’re having dinner Jess’s mom makes a terrible mistake and tells Jess to get her shit out so what do i get to do with my night? i get to help her move her stuff to Heather’s and reassure her that she’s making the best decision for her life. then Preston has to mount the pain she’s already feeling by telling her they just need to be friends. tough night for her and i’m glad i could be there to hug her and tell her that through each trial we are defined and made to see through new eyes. so running on just a few hour sleep i go to work thursday and it’s just kinda hectic not too much out of the norm then i get invited to have dinner and some drinks at Briggs’ with him and his buddies nbd, right? i go over there bc i knew Tiner would be there and i’ve had a crush on this guy for nearly a year now we all chat and i get to know a little more about Tiner which i thoroughly enjoyed. he leaves and it’s too late for me to come home without waking the rents so i stay there and Briggs won’t leave me alone he’s tryin to take my pants off and all kinda stiff so i can’t sleep. i ignore it all and get up for work at 515 and come home to get ready of course the dogs wake up and think they have to bark so i wake up the whole house. i go to work pretty tired and just not really wanting to work with Nate on my mind and heart all day. so i go through the day and Jeff and i are texting all day, did i mention he text me last fri and we’ve talked every day since? yep :/ anyway i come home and change then i’m off to nap land all the while texting Jeffrey and he agrees to come over and see me, much to my delight. he shows up and gets out of the car and it’s instant, that smile, a hug, and a kiss and i’m right back to december when i wanted so badly to tell him how much he really meant to me. we talk and almost fall asleep together and he’s just absolutely the only person who can brighten my whole life in an instant, he’s the only one who’s ever held me so tight and made me feel at ease even through the hardest trials. he’s the one i want for eternity bc he doesn’t need me but he wants me and that’s what a relationship should be in my opinion. he makes me so absolutely happy when we’re together. so that was my crazy week which is actually pretty normal and uneventful compared to many i’ve had in the past but it just seemed weird to me to have that many things going on at once. but i’m doin just fine i’m always landin on my feet just in the nic of time and by the skin of my teeth <3 I love you forever Nathaniel Thomas Wright and Jeffrey Allen Smith!!

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just in case i get the notion

Do you ever have that moment when you can see a really great friend heading for the same disastrous path you were on at one time and want to scream “TURN AROUND!! I LOVE YOU AND I MAY NOT KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU BUT I KNOW WHAT’S WRONG FOR YOU AND THIS IS EXACTLY IT!” that was me all day and now I’m so sick to my stomach I just wanna vomit, again. (backstory) In January my friend of 14 years left her no good relationship (just like both of my last two) and we were living it up, being young having fun and needing no ones permission to do it! We were drunk every weekend and had this awesome hobby, I guess you could call it, called FOTO FRIDAY and we just had the whole world in the palm of our hand. She swore up and down that she was gonna be single all year and she didn’t need a man and I wanted to believe it I really did but we all knew it wasn’t her bc it’s not me either. I can’t judge her for it bc I would so be in a relationship right now if i could find someone worth even spending an hour with. Yes I feel hopeless right now and today just reaffirmed my affliction, conviction and well maybe it’s a fear. Anyway back to my point, back in early February she met this super handsome, fun, sweetheart of a guy and they were attached at the hip (almost literally) from that moment forth. She was talking about marriage and moving to Texas with him in a matter of i believe 6 weeks.

Then came the baby! She got pregnant and didn’t tell a lot of people til after her first appointment. Mind you she just turned 20 in June! She’s now 21 weeks pregnant and of course that means they had to get married, right? WRONG! See it really ticks me off when people get married bc they get pregnant. That’s not the way it should go. Obviously the conventional way is to get married then pregnant but i understand that some people just “get pregnant” on accident. That’s ok I understand, that DOES NOT mean you have to get married bc things like that are what often breed animosity, and a sense of entrapment but it ALWAYS happens to bring about the resentment. Things then become about, “Well, we got pregnant we had to get married” and that’s not the way it is at all!! Anyway, today she got married and I wanted so badly to just tell her that if she felt ANY sense of “It’s my only option” “I have to, I mean I spent all this time, money, all my family is here blah blah blah” then she shouldn’t do it! If there was one single person who had come to me on my wedding day or even weeks before and said that to me, I wouldn’t have gone through with it. I know I wouldn’t bc I did feel like it was my only option. I had sent out all the invitations, I had ordered the cake blah, blah blah, blah blah. Unfortunately I got there later than planned and couldn’t say it, I didn’t have the balls and now I don’t have the heart. I feel absolutely horrible bc I promised to be her best friend til death and that’s what i want to be. I want her to be able to depend on me to tell her she shouldn’t wear a shirt that shows her nipples, wear those orange shoes with that brown shirt, and walk down the aisle when she’s not in love! I want to be that friend to her but i kept my mouth shut and I just feel so absolutely terrible for it. There’s the truth and i hope she never reads it bc then she’ll know how big of a coward I am and that I basically lied to her face. ALTHOUGH, I never did say any kind of congratulations to her face bc that is so much worse to me. I guess I’m lucky the preacher never asked if anyone objected to the wedding or had any reason they shouldn’t be married. Of course I’m not saying I hope her marriage fails by ANY means! But if it doesn’t work out for them for any reason big or small then I hope I can show her this and just apologize bc I should’ve been a better friend to her when we were younger. But i’ll say it again, I wish them both the best in their marriage and a life of happiness and laughter bc if anyone deserves it, it’s those two people. I love them both tremendously and there are no better parents for that little peanut than those two nor are there greater grandparents a child could ask for. I love them both and their familes equally and I wish them the best in their future together and all their separate endeavors. I’m not trying to be contradictory i just had to get this all out bc I told someone I really care about and i highly doubt he’ll remember bc he doesn’t care about me anymore but there it is “just in case i get the notion” to kill myself everyone who reads this will know haha jkkkk